4 weeks ago, someone said to me, "There must be more to you than that. There must be."

Tonight, that someone said to me, "Yes, there is more to you than that," and left it at that. He smiled at me, I smiled at him and we moved on.

I taught my final two doubles today. It went very well, unlike yesterday. Yesterday was a good crap day, perfect for learning experiences but it did nothing for one's confidence. The boys in my Year 11 Chemistry class were playing power games with me, so I kicked one of them out. My first "Out. Now. I. am. not. kidding. Get OUT. NOW." At the time, I was infuriated. Later, when I retold the story to my fellow student teachers, I said, "Omg, that felt good."

I have another official week to go yet on these rounds, but I'm spending that at camp with the Year 7s. I don't do any official teaching next week. Alister, who is going up to camp with Euan and I next week, said triumphantly as he came into the staff lunchroom after lunch, "Yes! We are finally teachers!"

We are. Finally. Teachers.

Wow.

Nine months to graduation. I can last that long. I can.

Meanwhile I need to sleep.

I have a pile of correction to do, a test to write, two doubles to plan in detail. Yet, I'm sitting here blinking sleepily at the screen and wondering who on earth is this person called -Dags- who popped up requesting addition to my Messenger.

Sun, I caved in and rang. I'm pathetically predictable.

My heart is glad. Isn't that something?

"geez, and you tell me off for asking too many questions.... ;)"

It made me smile and remember a cool night by the Yarra, when I said, "Seek not to understand. Just seek to accept. And for heaven sakes, stop asking me so many questions!"

I caught the tail ends of an important planning session this afternoon -- I had to nick off at Period 6 to attend the last hour. Afterwards, JP dropped me a line.

hey,
good to see you this afternoon, even though you looked a bit stressed, hope yr 11 chemistry goes well tomorrow.
anyway, ill be doing the agenda and calender for the meeting on wed night, so email me the list of applicants and ill send it all out.
thanks, jp

JP hasn't seen me in weeks, yet he picked up on the stress?

I am very tired behind the energetic facade. But I am alright. I've made decisions since Saturday. In an email to P that night, I wrote soberly,

There are a couple of things that I want to do, there are things that I have to do. Sel gets back next week, I want to spend some time with her to get my head back on straight, get centred again. I've lost huge chunks of myself in the last month or so, the strain is beginning to show. The Year 7 camp week after next will hopefully help me regain my centre. Five days of complete isolation sounds like heaven right now. Depending on how I feel after that, I may decide to shun general company for a while - that may include you.

I have decided not to take on any extra responsibilities. What I am shouldering now is more than enough for one person. I'm sitting on my hands and resisting every urge to get up to "organise this better".

Thank you for your concern. I appreciate it, very much.

My arms hug my knees in an obsessively tight embrace, while I rock and rock and rock. Wanting to cry because of the stress, but stressed because I can't shed that first healing tear. I can't bear to be alone, but I need to be alone. Wanting to blurt it to someone, but knowing I could never unburden myself like that. I want to completely lose control and collapse in a heap, but I have too much control to do that. Wanting, and needing to pray, but not knowing where or how to begin after such a long absence.

I'm very lost.

My brain won't shut up, I can't seem to stop doing stuff. I'm the Energizer Bunny gone horribly wrong and I'm terrified I'll burn out before year's end.

I can't seem to relax. I can't even seem to breathe.

I'm always saying I don't feel twenty three at all, half the time I feel nineteen. Tonight, in a cliched flash of maturity, I feel very bit of twenty three. I suppose I have finally gotten use to the idea of being an "adult" and all that it entails. Of course, getting into a flame war will do that to you.

Questions needing little response

Remember last July? When I was doing Fame and teaching rounds about the same time? Remember how I said I was averaging about 4 hours of sleep each night? Remember how I would get up at 4am to plan my classes, go to school, teach my classes, go home, take a short nap, rush down to the show for warm ups and student supervision, clean up, go home, go to bed, only to wake up at 4am to plan my classes again? Remember how I did that for 2 weeks?

I'm not doing a show right now. So why am I still averaging 4 hours or sometimes, just ever so slightly more, each night this time round? Why am I so tired and sleepy all the time? Why am I perpetually cranky? What do I do with my time?

And why on earth do some people do a "reply all" on an invitation email list? Don't they know that's exceedingly rude? Why on earth do some people go around shooting their mouth off, never considering the consequences of their hurried typed words? Then wonder why everyone's mad at them because they didn't think they did anything wrong?

Why do some people just drive and drive and drive themselves to the point of exhaustion? Why do some people never seem to stop doing stuff? Why do some people fear intimacy? Why do some people think they're not worthy to know? Why do some people think so much? Why do some people worry, obsess, bite their nails, frown about the smallest things?

Why do some people ask so many questions?!!

I'm going on camp with the Year 7s in two weeks! This is going to be so fun!

Can't keep my eyes open though. The series of late nights in the last couple of weeks are catching up to me.

Just in case anyone was wondering, teaching rounds are going fine. I'm teaching senior students this time round -- Year 12 Business Management, Year 11 Business Management and Year 11 Chemistry. My supervisors are wonderful, the kids are great -- if a little smart-alecky, and I am getting along fine with the other student teachers. I'm even coping with the hour long commute to the school.

I'm getting the hang of this teaching thing.

All the best laid plans

I had resolved a few days ago to back off, to let him have his space. Jill had mentioned in passing that I needn't try to force the issue, that he'll get to it when he's ready. I hadn't been fully aware that I had been doing that. So, yesterday, I made a decision not to crowd him, not to influence his decisions in any way, let him come to me when he's ready. I have such a strong will, coated in seemingly soft cloth, that it would be completely unfair to him if I tried to force something to happen. I'm not even sure I want or wanted anything to happen.

Yesterday, I decided enough was enough. I decided I wasn't going to see him again, unless I had to, after last night. I was adamant with myself, I will not see him. I told myself this time and time and time again on the way down to the Flinders Street where a group of us were meeting before wandering off to a concert. I stuck to that decision all through the picnic, all through the concert. I was polite, but slightly aloof.

Then at coffee after the concert, Pete turned to me and quietly said, "Can I persuade you to stay later tonight?"

I stared at him for a bit. "Um ... I have to catch a train home?"

We looked at each other, slightly confused. "Stay. I want to talk to you. I can give you a lift home later, if you miss the last train," he tried again.

"Um. Okay." I turned to speak to Ian. He turned and spoke to Angela. I sipped my rapidly cooling designer Egyptian Chamomile tea and tried not to think.

I consciously missed the last train. Two hours later, I was lounging tiredly in the passenger seat of his car on the Eastern Freeway, talking quietly with him.

Nothing happened. We sat by the Yarra River and trashed a few things out. He was a lot more articulate about it than I was. I was speaking in riddles apparently, and kept going around in circles. What were we trashing out? Us. What did we decide in the end? We're standing at opposite sides of a ring, staring intently at each other, reluctant to bridge that gap. We're very conscious of our current priorities. So, right now, we do nothing. We just get on with life.

"Have I just made everything complicated?" he asked. "It's just that ... I needed to know where we stand on this, where I stood with you."

"I didn't think I had to deal with this so soon, but no, not really. I'm glad we had this talk," I said. "It gets it over and done with, at any rate."

He had laughed when I admitted to him, "You know, I wasn't going to see you after tonight. I had decided not to bother you."

"What? You were just going to ignore me? That's mean!"

So now, the dynamics of our friendship has altered. I'm not sure how to proceed with this. But one thing's clear -- I have never been so comfortable or relaxed with a guy as I am with him, in my life. Is that good or bad?

All the best laid plans ...

"Pete, it's only been four weeks!"

By the way, remember this guy? I ran into him again, four weeks ago. His name is Pete.

I have to keep reminding myself that things are not as complicated as it seems. Really, it isn't.

Truly, it isn't.

Damn it, woman! IT ISN'T!

I'm having second thoughts.

When I am tired, I get irritatingly depressive. I've been tired since Saturday night, so I'm highly irritated with myself at the moment. The only semi-bright spot is the expectation of a call tomorrow night.

"You are so smitten, Liv."

"No, I'm completely infatuated, Matty. I'm terribly impressed by him, you know."

Little does Matty know how rare that is.

ianthe lee, she says ...

What's the point of doing all these fun stupendous things, if at the end of the day, you're going to end up walking by yourself? Sometimes, I can hardly see the point of being pro-active, to get involved. People betray your trust, dismiss you, reduce you, reject you, in the most painful of ways.

That little dull ache on my left - they say, it means there is an absence of joy. I say, I think too much, and I feel too much.

I smell rain on the breeze. Pure, cleansing rain. I'm tempted to sit in the middle of the driveway and let it wash away every tense muscle in my body.

my picture of you
is clouded by tomorrow's scenes
dusted in a pink sugary mist.

the sudden urge to sit
surrounded by candles to our Mother
is overwhelming, if only
to reflect on growing impressions.

"Cat, I'm so bored," said I, on Saturday.

"Jill, I'm BORED," I wrote on Saturday.

"Pete, I'm bored," I said on Sunday.

That was all before I ran into Kell at uni yesterday and decided we'd apply to be the directors for next year's Summer School, and start right away with the planning and application process. [A process made pleasant when we saw how spunky the Student Union president was. Kell swore that he was flirting with us in that brief interview we had with him.]

That was before Ling and Cat rang to see if I wanted to catch up tonight. That was before I volunteered to do I-don't-know-what with the Transition Program on Friday. That was before I decided to take my project girls to a picnic at the Bowl and catch a MSO concert under the stars. That was before Cat muttered something about an afternoon tea party on Sunday before we go off to hear a swing band at Fitzroy Gardens.

"Woo hoo. I'm not bored anymore," I said to Pete last night, clapping my hands in glee. "I'm so excited."

I half wish I was with you, Seli, Jo and company, making the rounds to ex-classmates' homes today. But only for a little while. I am preoccupied with far more exciting news.

I go on my final teaching rounds, "ready for independent teaching" placement, next week. I'm looking forward to it, very much. Everyone I've spoken to about the school I'm going to have said that I'd have a great time there. From their remarks and comments, I think I definitely will.

I'm absolutely filled with glee.

I sat on my bed in the dark last night, willing myself to cry, knowing that I needed to cry. I only managed symphathetic tears that were of no use to me at all. On top of that, it left me with a slight headache and a weepy state of mind.

Pffft.

You have no idea what's going on at all. So, don't you shake your heads at me because I'm shaking my head at me. One person shaking their head at me is enough, thank you very much - even if that person is me. Shaking my head. At me. Egads, what a picture.

[Just so you know. Crying sessions are essential to my emotional well being, just like annual visits to the dentist and the doctor are essential to my teeth and my body.]

Jo is under the impression that I am still in a small town in Borneo. It made me laugh, so I'm in a better frame of mind this morning. I still miss Superduperglorious Friend, though, and I wish Insomniac would get her butt back to Melbourne double quick.