My arms hug my knees in an obsessively tight embrace, while I rock and rock and rock. Wanting to cry because of the stress, but stressed because I can't shed that first healing tear. I can't bear to be alone, but I need to be alone. Wanting to blurt it to someone, but knowing I could never unburden myself like that. I want to completely lose control and collapse in a heap, but I have too much control to do that. Wanting, and needing to pray, but not knowing where or how to begin after such a long absence.

I'm very lost.