I have had to lie on the bed to zip my jeans up. My jeans are beyond tight. They are nearing strangulation. This is not good.

"Dad. I have not put on weight. It's just a ... phase. I'm developing curves ...voluptuous curves. I think they're very becoming. Jason, if don't stop giggling this minute, I'm going to bash you up. Dad, really. Yes, I know it's been two years. So maybe it's not a phase, exactly. I'm not overweight, of course. Definitely not. I'm not .. fat .. just ... womanly. Look, I have hips! I'm sure I've always wanted hips. Good child-bearing hips, don't you think. I understand the hourglass look has become quite fashionable. Dad, why are you rolling on the ground like that? Dad, it's not funny! Daaaaddddd! Stop it. Dad. Stop. Dad, this is very undignified. Dad, think of the example you're setting Darren. Jason, SHUT UP. Mum, say something! Ooooohhhhhh!"