I dread meeting new people, really I do. I have to psych myself up completely, because I hate small talk. Here's a perfect stranger, what do you say to him? To her? To them?

"Lovely weather we're having."
"Yes, lovely."
"Yes, hmm."
The view outside the window becomes very absorbing after that.

"So what do you do?"
"Oh, me? I'm an engineer?"
"Oh. Right." I fiddle with the stem of my wine glass. I peer at it, consider the color. I fidget. I hum.
"How about you?"
"Me? Umm ... I'm between positions at the moment."
"Oh. Right. Hmm."
"I'll be back." I never return.

I hate small talk. I really do. Get the point, why don't you. I always do.

"Have you done that mass transfer assignment?!"
"Well, hello to you too, Liv." Dave would fold his paper and place it neatly on the table in front of him.
"Yes, yes, good morning, whatever. Have you done it?! Let me have a look."
"Yes, I'm fine too. I won't take you up on coffee, I'm trying to cut down."
"What are you on about?!! Have you done it?!"

Insomniac and I have the same appalling habits. I answer my calls with a cool, "Yes?" She answers hers with a languid, "Hah?" Occassionally we bark out a, "What?!"

The phone connects. Insomniac answers it.
"Where are you?" I say.
"At home," she says.
"What are you doing there?! I thought you were meant to come into the city!!"
"I changed my mind."
"Wahlau. Okay."
We hang up. End of story, get on with life. Simplicity indeed.

Jason and I are similar too.

He rings. I answer, "What?!"
"I'm going to be late. Get your own dinner."
"Okay."
We hang up. 5 secs, max!

It may seem rude, but damn it, it's efficient. I love the system.

So there, I don't do parties with a million strangers because I have to talk small talk. I don't understand small talk. I'm no good at it. I also have this tendency to either stare into space for long periods or get silly on only one glass of wine. So Joy, if you're taking me to meet the hobbits, you'll have to bear with me not speaking (unless spoken to) for the first 30 minutes, at the very least - I'll be too busy staring into space, thinking of sparkling things to say, and then failing miserably.