little miss independent

Until Denning returns (we aren't sure whether it'll be permanent) perhaps for his graduation in March, perhaps for a new course then, Jason and I are cohabiting this house of ours, alone. Without a referree. Seeing that I haven't really had a decent hello from him in over a year, much less a decent conversation, I forsee a very quiet and very mono-syllabic summer in this house.

Mum has effectively cut off the purse strings. "You're twenty four. It's time," she said. Yes, twenty four and still, they question my life choices to the point of screaming. I am a little scared, but that's normal. I'm always frightened of the unknown and the future is very much an unknown. The thing is not to let the fear overwhelm me, dictate my decisions. I am a little excited, as well, wanting to see what 2004 will bring for me. In this mess of unknowns though, one thing is certain, I will not be returning to Malaysia anytime soon.

This time around, I very much resented my parents' presence. I could barely keep a civil word in my mouth and I was constantly annoyed or frustrated or just plain adolescent. I can't quite understand my behaviour and this little niggly voice in my head kept saying, "They don't know you anymore. They presume they do, but they don't. You've changed so much in this last twelve months but they still see you as this idiot of child that needs nagging and pushing and babying".

Their visit did nothing for my self-esteem and suddenly, I started picking their characters to shreds in my mind. It was and is not charitable. But I'm sick and tired of denying the seemingly negative emotions. I'm sick of denying my anger. I'm sick of thinking that I am to blame for very little thing, and I am dead tired and very angry at the way my family seem to treat me as some kind of idiot, some kind of bimbo. I can seem to do no right in their eyes, and this kills me.

It's just the holiday blues. I'll be fine (and less emotional) in a few days.