Safe as safe can be

When someone gets too close, I tend to push them away. Something about walls and barriers and the clichéd fragile heart. But I suppose it's a test. If they persisted and came back, then the process of trust may begin.

My Chemistry supervisor on my last rounds talked about the students being in a "safe" place. Those kids who are insecure, suffering from low self-esteem, etc., are more prone to be "troublemakers" or disruptors in the classroom. They need to feel in control, because for them, being in control is safe. So if being in control meant that they were in constant power struggles with the teacher, or with their peers in the form of bullying, so be it. As a teacher, I needed to be aware of this, and work towards creating a secure, safe environment for these students, so they wouldn't feel threatened and begin disrupting the class.

I have worked for the past two years to be "safe". That meant being in constant control of myself and of my surroundings. I know exactly what's going to happen (to a certain extent) and there are no big surprises. Even though I moan about the stresses of my life, I am in a safe place. I am secure in myself and I use that to forge ahead.

P's presence is threatening that.

"I think I'm slowly figuring you out. It's not what you say: It's what you don't say, or say in passing ... "

Part of me is thrilled. Another part of me is terrified. That terrified part had contemplated pushing him away, which I did last night. Then I extended a small olive branch, and he came back immediately.

I don't know what to think. Maybe I shouldn't think at all.